Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
