I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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