feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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