Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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