if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
