my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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