You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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