official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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