This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Randomize
