Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
