This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
