WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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