Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
