Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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