Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i wish my penis had a tongue
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
