she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
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