How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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