First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
