dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
