You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
