i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
So apparently I’m into choking now
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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