If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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