so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
