Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
