its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
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