Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
