I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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