I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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