I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
