im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
