I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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