4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
My vagina just clenched in fear
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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