no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
