Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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