I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
