All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
The beer is more important than you right now.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
