yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
