im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
