It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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