He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
