i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Randomize
