she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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