I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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