Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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