Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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