I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize