I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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