I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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