literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
