My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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