My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
