he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize