Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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