She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
