Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
