Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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