Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
