Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I just forgot I was standing up.
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